I Surrender All

I want to see an albino deer. You heard me right. It would be on my bucket list if I had one. Pure white. Majestic. It would be breath taking to me. If I saw an albino buck, I would prolly wet my pants!

There are a handful of albino deer in the Nashville area. A few days ago my husband saw one on the grounds of a church close to our home. Since then I have pretty much camped out in the church parking lot in hopes of a sighting. I haven’t even seen a brown deer much less a lily white one. Dang him. He didn’t get a picture to prove it so I’m a little skeptical anyways.

Rare. Breathtaking. A special sight it would be for sure. But I wonder how they feel. They may feel like the cats meow…but they may feel different.  They may feel uncomfortable in their own skin. I wonder if they live in fear because they are much more vulnerable to other wild life and to hunters. Hiding would not be easy…except in the snow, of course. I bet they sunburn easily too (relatable). I wonder if the other deer think they are odd and pick them last in all their little reindeer games?

Someone I love with all of my heart feels like what I think an albino deer must sometimes feel like. She feels different. She feels alone.  Sometimes she feels unimportant. I am talking about my oldest daughter.

Mallory has struggled with depression, anxiety and attention deficit issues for several years. She has wanted to be “normal” for such a long time. You know what stinks?  Being an teenager AND an “albino deer.” It’s brutal actually. It’s not just the loneliness, it’s the things that your mind tells you. Things like “I am unloveable”…or “I will never do anything right.” Things like “God must be really disappointed in me.” It doesn’t really matter how many times other people speak truth to you. Your brain is imbalanced and is going to trump the truth. Depression sucks. For the person it has attacked…and for those who love them and try everything to help.

Two weeks ago I had one of the hardest days of my life. Mallory made a very courageous and mature decision to enroll in a Christian treatment program for young women. With our complete support and encouragement, and with Keller holding one hand and me holding her other, she walked through the doors of a home that is 6 hours away from our own home in Tennessee. She committed to staying there for at least six months…maybe even a year. She has given up comfort for discomfort. Familiar for unfamiliar.  iPhone for snail mail.

We have so much respect for Mallory’s decision. Our admiration of her courage is immeasurable. We feel hope. We know that suffering and brokenness brings growth and healing. Suffering shapes us and equips us to be all that we can be in Christ. In the Bible, God did amazing things through broken, damaged and down right crazy people! Some of my dearest friends have some very hard chapters in their stories. I have such respect for them and learn so much from their transparency. The world tries to tell us that struggling is a weakness. That we should feel shame. We all have stuff that we need to work on. There is no shame in honesty…the truth sets us free!

We know that God has an incredible plan for Mallory. Her suggesting and approving this post shows her maturity in being transparent and brave. She is one strong cookie. I was the one hesitant to write about her journey but she said that she would rather the truth be told than whispers and wondering.  It takes guts to do what she is doing. She doesn’t want pity or “poor pitiful’s.” She wants encouragement and prayer as she seeks lasting change. She wants the truth about her story to help others be brave enough to get help for their story. That is one amazing 19 year old y’all!

Healing comes when things are brought to The Light. She is committed to do the hard things in order to bring lasting change. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” I have faith that God will use Mallory’s story to comfort others in their time of need.

So why did I tell you about my interest in albino deer? Because in my opinion, they are more beautiful than the typical brown deer. I see beauty in unusual things. Normal is so boring to me.

If I see an albino deer, I know it will not be happenstance. It will not be a mistake. God made it that way.  It is breathtaking, majestic and purposeful!   So, too, is my daughter. My hope for Mallory is that, like the albino, she will know of her incredible worth, appreciate her uniqueness and enjoy it to the fullest! Now off to go “hunting.” If I spot one you’ll be the first to know.

Amy

“He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on high places.” Psalms 18:33

** Mallory LOVES snail mail! Want to send her a hello? Lemme know!