My Hiney’s Clean…but not for long.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I flipped back and forth for over an hour and finally gave up. I went in the kitchen and ate a bagel with peanut butter thinking that would make me carb drunk and I’d fall asleep quickly. Who eats a bagel sammy at 1 in the morning? Apparently I do. Ten minutes later my food baby and I were sound to sleep. I did not move ‘til my alarm went off at 5:45. Anything before 7 or 8ish is still the middle of the night to me. Why would I get up before the Lord on a Friday morning? Because the tall fella with short black hair that checked me out at the Kroger yesterday told me they get their toilet paper restocked overnight. “Be here tomorrow morning at 6-6:15…it sells out fast but you’ll get you some. Been gettin’ Angelsoft 12 packs in. Pretty good stuff. Middle of the line.” “Sir, beggars can’t be choosers at this point. So grateful for the info. Have a good one.”

Now y’all, I’m NOT a hoarder but I like to be prepared. I’ve always been that way. If I’m entertaining for 10, I plan for 15 or 20. I would never forgive myself if I ran out of food for my guests! If I need 1 box of cream cheese for a recipe I buy 2 just in case I mess something up. So, although I have a couple of 4 packs of TP, one doesn’t count ‘cause it’s “green.” Most packs these days say “32 rolls of quality paper rolled into 4 rolls!” Not this one. It looks like 4 rolls but more accurately would be equivalent to four wipes…and they’ll leave rollie pollies on your “no touch’s.“ A week ago all that Publix had left was mother earth TP and at this point in all things Corona related “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” So one-ply was it.

I’m not panicked, but I am concerned about the low inventory of toilet paper in our home. A few days ago I decided it would be a good idea to make a batch of “30 day bran muffins” and eat on them over the next month or so. For more fiber I threw in extra raisins, carrots, bran and nuts. Moment of silence for Cousin Eddie please. I’m concerned enough to get up at the butt crack of dawn to get to the Kroger. I wore my “What would Dolly do?” (She would give me TP) cut off shirt that I slept in with my “sisters” free fallin’, sweats and some gosh awful clodhoppers that are orange suede. Here’s the bad news. Since I was carb drunk and didn’t move a muscle in the night, I woke up with a hitch in my giddy-up and it made me walk wonkey-legged. I was looking like a piece. of. work. While it’s still dark I drive to Kroger. I get there around 6:05 and people are walking out empty handed. I see no TP. I ask a stock boy when they are putting the toilet paper out. “Oh…we never know when we’re getting it. I don’t know who told you to come at 6:00am but it’s not true.” Home boy better run is all I have to say. This nice stock boy tried to help by saying “I think some places are opening early for senior citizens. You might try that.” Bite me, punk.

I decide I’ll take my family “Chickalay” chicken minis like a nice mom/wife. I go there just to see a sign that says they open at 7:00 during Coronagate. It’s now 6:10…so I cuss at God’s chicken and drive away. To another Kroger I go. Let’s see if their mystery delivery has happened. Nada. Not one roll there either. I drive to Target. They open at 9. So I get my smarticles on and decide I’m going to look on social media to see what time my Publix opens during this time of crisis. 7:00am. Whew. I got there and sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes ‘til they opened. Guess what? At 7:00 I saw they put a sign on the door that they aren’t opening til 8:00. I literally said out loud “well doo doo.” At this point Momma needs some sleep, some TP and now some Bengay for her wonkey leg. By 7:05 I’m at another Chick-fil-a to get my family breakfast. My pleasure. I run home to deliver, tell of my shenanigans and back in the car to get to Publix by 8:00. I’m a little early and jump on insta for a minute. This cute blonde influencer type with a peppy voice starts talking about how fun day 5 of quarantine is going to be with her kids. First of all little Miz Sunshine…it’s day EIGHT! Where were you when the rest of us did as suggested?! I’m only out of prison long enough to find toilet paper ! Oh yes…the toilet paper. I run into Publix and see that my favorite employee is working. I go in for a hug only to remember that we can’t hug right now. Ugh. I get no hug aaaand…no toilet paper! I’m now emotionally spent and feel like I might as well lick the bottom of my shoe because I’ve been exposed to so many places out and about in germville. I saw somebody post that they got TP at Sams. I get there and am greeted by Mr Grumpypants who pushes a wet cart towards me. Did I mention it’s now POURING RAINING? Well it is. And they didn’t have a stinkin’ roll.

I went home. Whinny. Thinking about my hinny. Defeated. Feeling “bummed.” My phone rings. It’s my neighbor. “Hey, do you have any idea where I can get some toilet paper?” Mic drop.